I could sink a house

I know typing or writing drunk and emotionally is a BAD idea, but fuck it. I could probably drown myself in tears right now. I don't belong where I am and I can't stand it. I can't swallow a lot of things and can hardly make eye contact with myself anymore. It hardly has to do with what my own feelings are about myself as it has to do with who I am to other people. I am so hurt. I feel like I could never satisfy anyone that I would want to satisfy. I am fat, there is no doubt about that. I am absolutely unappealing physically in comparrison to anyone I can think of and as superficial as this may sound, I couldn't be more honest. It's so weird, because somedays I feel so beautiful, and then there are days like today that make the demons in my life slice me open, revealing what I am to most and essentially who I am to myself. When will I make someone want me? When will someone talk to me in passing and leave hoping that they will see me again? I am nobody today, and it really hurts. I guess this entry could be used against me by all sorts of people, but luckily I don't care.

I hope you are better than me today.

4 minutes and 10 seconds of closeness

Sucks the truth slaps me in the face from so far away and right before bed.

Good night... it was, but could've been better with you know who.

De pinga.

And so it is, just as you said it would be.

I suppose this is a rant, maybe it will turn out more appetizing by the end of it, but here we go.


I have finally moved into my new place, and with that being said, I think I left one type of stress to have a new type. Is it strange of me to sort of like it at times?

I have never felt so self sufficient. I make my money, I make my food, I decide if I deserve that dress, I pay all of my bills, I got myself out of debt. But yet again, with this responsibility to get all of these I's out of my mouth and into reality, it sucks the fucking life out of me.

I work 12 hour days, and still get shit for stuff at work. I have to beg to leave early when I have to do things because other institutions are open only Monday through Friday, during the hours that I work.

I feel like I need a vacation, but the corporate monster that affords me all of my little luxuries doesn't let me see anywhere other than my desk Monday through Friday until January of next year. I can't imagine how people really do this until they retire at SIXTY FUCKING FIVE!!!!! I hope I die before then, if this fucking routine is all I have to look forward to.


Some of my dear friends aren't even so dear to me anymore, and the man of my dreams, as he were, is starting to fade as what I want for myself. I need something more, I know this is the same shit I have been writing about since I was 15 years old, but why is 8 years pas, and I am not satisfied.

I recently watched this program on the travels of Ibn Battuta and I think it has fucked with my mind. I have realized that there is practically another galaxy between me and what I want to see in the world. I use the term galaxy, because much like I am doubtful I will ever cross a galaxy, I feel just about the same way about ever making it to the middle east, hell even the Mediterranean. I mean, I know a trip to Europe could be feasible, but shit always come out of the wood works to make it seen that much more unlikely I will ever make it over there on my own dime.

I want to really care about things again. I have always found the greatest offense in indifference and I have reached a whole new level of it. I don't mean to not care, I just genuinely don't a lot of times.

I have had PMS, all the month of June I think and have this crazy weight loss goal by my birthday, I need to get my fucking CAM license so I can make 80k a year and need to get back to college and wrap it up. I am out of control in such a subdued way that I will not explode one day but rather implode.


Sometime I think I stay sane by the conversations that I have with Robert and Ruben. I have kinda isolated myself from everyone else, but I'm sure they are OK with it.


I have no idea where this is taking me, and unfortunately I think this was nothing more than a rant, and I still don't think I shouted it all out. I'm sure I will be back.


All I want is some liberty.

Me puedes tu creer, se me olvido tu nombre...

"A pensar lo mucho que te ame, me puedes tu creer, que se me olvido tu nombre... " -Roberto Ledesma
(my abuela Nena's favorite singer of all time)

I was thinking what if I would have to leave the country....

I know it sounds really exciting and I know I would love to see something else, but to imagine myself having to leave freaks me out.

I was thinking about my great grandparents a lot today. I was remembering my abuela nena's beautiful sparkly blue eyes and her guerlaine perfume. I remembered all of her amazing jewels and how she wouldn't leave her bedroom without her blue eyeshadow and rose colored lipstick on. She was never over done, and never outdone. I can picture the veins in her fair hands protruding as she would beat the egg whites and sugar in big bowl with nothing but a fork and her skills, and made this sweet confection that was so fluffy I was just dying to lay my head on it. She would call my brother, sister, and I (if I wasn't by her side insisting on helping her beat the egg whites and sugar) through this small rectangular window that the kitchen had over the sink and we would splash all the way into the house. We would leap out of the pool asking her if she had all of our forks ready.

We all had assigned forks. I'm not sure how we chose them but I know I liked mine because it was a two-tone fork with silver and gold floral embellishments. She would distribute what seemed like our corresponding magical wands and then we would get a huge, sweet, cloud on our forks and start to roast them over the heated stove and make our own merenguitos.

Those moments to her, she use to say, made all her hard work worth it. Simply watching my brother, sister and I indulge in this treat that she exclusively made for us and listening to us laugh at one another for burning a merenguito too much.

Now I am a 23 year old woman and when I think back on when she would say all the hard work was worth it I wonder if she really just meant fluffing those egg whites by hand. I can't imagine what it was like for her, my abuelo Tomas( Great grandfather), My Granny, my Abuelo Bert and their new born baby ( my mom) to be forced out of everything they called home and keep it together. When I think about how hard my adjustment was from just house to house or from group of friends to group of friends or even from school to school, I am actually overwhelmed by what I imagine their feelings of loss, abandonment and hope must've been like. I am so thankful they were the brave ones to leave that civil unrest, oppression and tyranny. I don't know what I would've done. To think my Abuela Nena would look us in the face and tell us all of her hard work was worth it has to be one of the most beautiful things anyone will ever say to me. To have loved us that much made us some really lucky kids.

I wish she was here now, watching me use the same color blush she use to by the same company, and actually driving, working and going to college.

I wish she was here now, to see that Matthew has a beard, looks just like my dad and that times have changed so much that he does have a future.

I wish she was here now, so she would see that Katey grew up to be a beautiful woman, full of conviction and ambition.

I guess it's now in our hands to make sure she can still say where ever she may be, that all of her hard work was worth it.

My hearts thump could shake things up

What is that you say?



I know I know. I put myself here everyday, because I 'm a gambling man.

Maybe today will be the day I run out of money, and equity.

Maybe.

I Feel You...

Im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
Im in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So ya never know, never never know
Never know enough, til its over love
Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin no no no, no no
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but cant escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else dont have to know


So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose


Im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I cant keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I cant keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when Im on my own
Somewhere far from home, In the danger zone
How many times did it take til I finally got through
you lose, you lose
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to go
No more wastein time, we cant wait for life
which is wastin time, wheres the finish line


So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose


Im not lovin you, the way i wanted to
I met no one new, I got no one new
No I said im through, but got love for you
But im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin, keep the lovin goin
Keep it on a roll, only god knows
Am I into you, baby im confused
You choose, you choose
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
Way I got to go, I dont need you
I been on this road, too many times before
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to


So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
If you keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose

Here we go again. I suppose this is a graduation of sorts from livejournal. I have decided to use this blog rather differently.

School starts on Monday and it is so odd to say that when everyone around me has been saying life has started now for them - Adult life that is. I feel so behind, I look back and can't give a reason for the hold up in getting started with what everyone else started and I always new was the inevitable for me.

I guess there is no use in thinking about it since what's done is done and I'm sure letting 4 years pass me by in the great scheme of things will seem like a drop in the bucket. I have so much school left I feel a little overwhelmed when I think about it.

I want to see the world so badly. I want to go to Tunisia and would love to go to Mexico and all of South America. Next summer come hell or high water I will go to Spain and hopefully France.

I am looking forward to this weekend, and dreading it in a sense. I know for the most part it will sort of be the end of a dynasty for me. This is it. Robert has graduated so has Jenny, and I will be living on my own going to school full time and working full time. There will no longer be Kickstand parties, dance parties on rickety wooden planks covered in memories and the stench of miller high life, there wont be anymore Motown parties staining our teeth purple and getting so stoned all we want to do is pour every fucking condiment on our 5 star pizza. This really is it. I know I am not speaking for everyone, but it really is for me.

I am hopeful that whatever replaces this sort of fun can be comparable, although I really doubt it. Miami has such a weird vibe to it sometimes. It use to really eat me up inside when I would think of all the hypocrisy and dishonesty and shallowness the characters this city build personalities on. I suppose my indifference is even worse. I am no longer settling for anything and I think thats why I had decided I will be an attorney and nothing will stop me. I want to learn how to move on. I have always had so much trouble with that. But I know change isn't always bad, and in my case might be good.


Have you ever heard the saying that goes : "You want to know how to make God laugh? Tell him your plans." I hate that saying, I felt the disdain for that fatalistic shit yesterday watching Amores Perros more than ever.

I have big plans.

God may laugh, but I'm still going to have my fucking plans.